Kissing 2012 goodbye

Since it is the end of the year I figured this was a good time to update. I apologize for not updating more often, but things have just been a bit busy recently. I am still only able to work part-time these days. If I try to do more I get so tired it is crazy, so I just try and pace myself for the most part and it seems to work.

Finished off the year with 2 weddings, so I am trying to take it a bit easy today as I struggle with a bit of a stomach problem. Hopefully it will not last long.

At this time last year I had put chemo behind me, was 5 days from surgery and 6 weeks from beginning radiation. Fast forward one year and I am done with "active treatment" as they call it, but now dealing with all of the side effects from those treatments (aka the things they don't tell you). But MOST importantly I am still here and that out shadows EVERYTHING else. People ask me how I am doing all the time and my replay is.. I am good..even on days that I may not feel that way it will continue to be my reply..because being vertical is good.

It has been a year of ups and downs for my family and many other people in my life, but the good seem to be outnumbering the bad. There has been birth, adoption, sickness, death, marriage, divorce, buying homes, building homes, losing homes, the wrath of mother nature, parties for every occasion, financial success, financial difficulty, joy and tragedy. 

I have seen the supportive, beautiful side of human nature and unfortunately the ugly side of it. I have had new people brought into my life, brought people back into my life who had been missing for a bit and have some people who are not a part of it any more..and that part makes me a bit sad but they say:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are..
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant
Thank you for being a part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

 I could attach names to each of the above, but I think you all know who you are.

I am not one to make huge New Year's resolutions but I will continue to be thankful for what I do have which for me is life...I will also continue to be grateful for the people in that life.

I will try to be better about updating a bit more in the new year. As of now it is looking like the next surgery will be late spring to begin the rebuilding process, so maybe by the end of 2013.. I will be able to put all of this behind me and continue to move forward. 

Happy New Year to you all and as always.. thanks for taking the time to check in on me!

Making Strides Walk

 So it looks a little long, but below is a link to sponsor the team I have joined for this weekend's Making Strides Walk.. if it doesn't work, you can go to the gainesville walk page and look for team Italian Battalian!


http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=47354&pg=personal&px=30500425&__utma=1.1253714552.1347757702.1349732145.1349732152.6&__utmb=1.3.10.1349818306&__utmc=1&__utmx=-&__utmz=1.1349732145.5.4.utmcsr%3Dfacebook.com|utmccn%3D%28referral%29|utmcmd%3Dreferral|utmcct%3D%2Fl.php&__utmv=1.|3%3DRegistration+Status%3DRegistered%3D1&__utmk=208650130&s_src=fbcomments

My awesome friends Terri and Katherine are also walking this weekend on Team Denise.. this is their second year and you can sponsor them here.

http://www.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/General?px=10800287&pg=personal&fr_id=2461

Thank you in advance!

Ch, Ch, Ch, Ch, changes.....

So I did a little update this morning.. a pink tinted fall like background in honor of BC Awareness Month and the coming fall!

I also added a new poll questions.. help me out as I struggle to figure out what to do with this hair! It is pretty much the same as before, thick but now it has a slight wave to it...not sure if this is a good thing or not!

Have a great day everyone!

Falling behind again..

Sorry I am a little lax again, but since today is October 1st and it is the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month it seems appropriate to get back on track today. But first and foremost.. got get a mammogram or do a self exam or for more fun have someone else do it for you! But don't wait.. now is as good as time as any!

Been a little busy had 3 weddings in September and between now and mid November I have 6 more! We have gotten settled into our new location...renovations are done and we are having our first real party on Saturday. Crossing fingers!

I am going to attempt to participate in the breast cancer walk here in town, see previous post for information, on Oct 13 and then pull off a wedding that evening..wish me luck! I am sure I will be passed out on Oct. 14!

Helping some friends with a bridal expo in October as well and just trying to still find some kind of normal. It seems I still have good days and bad, sometimes I am just so tired I can not stand it, others I have more energy than I should!


As always thanks for checking in on me and to those of you who have returned to my life recently,. I love you and to those of you who are surprisingly absent...well I just don't know what to say about it.

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk

My lovely friend Deanna Martorella Feagin lost her sister in 2010, her Mom is currently fighting and she was more support than she knows for me during my battle. I am honored to be joining the Italian Battalion this year and attempting to make the walk too...please take a moment to donate if you can (every little bit helps) to help find a cure so other women (and MEN) do not have to fight this fight. Please click on or copy the link below to go to the page and donate if you can.

Thanks in advance!

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=47354&pg=personal&px=18038939&s_src=fbcomments

Misc...

So two of the three new part items are being returned. Hopefully the replacements will work better.

Had a nice dinner and catch up with my friend Beth last night. It is very refreshing to sit through a meal with someone and not have them attached to a phone. I guess it is a good thing trivia started up or we may still be sitting there!

Wedding on Saturday morning so an easy work weekend and then 2 more in 2 weeks. In the meantime I am working on some marketing for our new space for work... it will be great for holiday parties and rehearsal dinner or any other private event so if you are in the Gainesville area and looking for a nice place with great food for a private party let me know!

thanks for checking in!

new parts

So my new prosthetic and mastectomy bras came on Saturday. Not a fan of the new prosthetic but the one bra I have tried seems to work well with my silicone prosthetic, it is still heavy but seems tolerable thus far.

I tried to wear the new one today for a meeting and it is still too light, it just rides up and them I am uneven. I would rather be lopsided than uneven I think.

Anyway... just trying to continue to find my new normal. A few weddings this month but they are nicely spread out so easily managible. No more of those 3-4 on one day for awhile that is for sure... it took a week to recover!

That's all for now...thanks for checking in.

A little behind.. sorry

So the Doctor who did my facial surgery did an AMAZING job! you can barely see the scar and if I keep following direction, it will be even less noticeable.

It has been a bit crazy with work.. it either rains or pours, had a boat load of weddings in one day and then nothing for a couple of weeks and then.........we MOVED!!! After 13 years, we have moved to a smaller venue space but it has a great kitchen so my boss can keep on cooking his amazing food.

The friends that were staying with me off and on throughout the summer have found their own apartment and moved out...I miss them, but we all have our own space again and since I love them both dearly... that is a good thing.

In other news.. I need a new roof, toilet repair and some screen work on my back porch.....ah the joys of home ownership and trying to get things back to normal....oh well...it is mine and I love it!

Thanks for checking in and stay dry everyone!

Update

I had the cancer cut off my face this afternoon... they did a good job and although I will not look to pretty for the next week or so, I am still here and got it off before my one year anniversary!

Life is funny sometimes!

Love to all!

Yuck......

So today I saw the facial plastic surgeon and on Thursday I will be having some of my cheek removed. Not what I wanted to do 2 days shy of one year, but it has to be done and sooner rather than later.

The type is a kind that can spread and one of the places it can spread to is lymph nodes and since I have already gone down that road, we do not want to go there again... so away I go again. Luckily it is in office and I can drive myself too and from.

So there you have it.....Cancer still sucks!

Rain, rain, go away.....

I wish it would just stop with the daily dowsings! I am trying to be better about updating but it just isn't working. I am one week away from my one year anniversary of diagnosis. It will be a busy day with work, so for that I think I am grateful I was sitting here looking through the get-well cards that I have received over the past year (I keep them in a crocheted bag with a hope charm on it that came in my chemo kit hanging over my desk) and am once again overwhelmed with the out pouring of support I received from people near and far. If there is one thing that the last year has shown me is who is really there for you when the going gets tough.

Tomorrow I see the new doctor about the cancer on my face... saying prayers it is an easy and quick, fix! Otherwise things are plodding along. I still do not have a ton of energy and most of it is going into trying to rebuild my strength and working what I can. I also go back to PT tomorrow as the fluid is building up in my arm since I have not been able to get the drainage massage regularly. So hopefully that will help things out a bit.

Thanks for checking in and stay dry and cool!

So.......

last Thursday I had a growth removed from my left cheek. It came up pretty quickly and was pretty itchy. I got the results yesterday and it is Squamous Cell Carcinoma, fortunately I caught it early and my doctor doe snot think it is too big of a deal. Unfortunately, I have to go see a facial plastic surgeon to get the rest of it removed.

I am focusing on the not a big deal part of this news.

ugh...

So in addition to all of the other lovely post treatment issues, my ovaries have been apparently killed off by the chemo... this means I am now pre-menopausal.. or in menopause.. I don't know which and there is no way to find out if they will ever function again. The really sucky part of this is...hot freakin flashes! It is not bad enough that it is almost 100 degrees outside daily.. but I have my A/C set on 70 at night and I am laying there sweating.

My snuggly pugs are not too happy with the fact that I can not stand to have them all curled up on my legs like they usually sleep. Going to try putting an ice pack under my neck and see if it helps...one word.. YUCK!

Happy new week!

What a month!

Sorry I have been lax in updating here, it has been a bit of a crazy month. June was full of weddings, six of them to be exact, unfortunately they were all scrunched into three days. So I spent June 8 & 9 working 3 of them and then June 23rd doing the other three, yes three in one day. Needless to say it took me about a week after each of those weekends to recover. The pain was ridiculous to be quite honest.

I really thought this year would be a big birthday for me, but it kind of came and went without too much fan fare. I did come home from a very long day at work, to Lydia and her daughter holding a pizza box holding the most amazing canolli filling topped brownies from the amazing Annette at Main Street Pizza. They were delish of course and we had a small family dinner the next day. All in all it was wonderful to have the people I love be with me to celebrate another year.

Since then I have just really been trying to get back to some sense of normal...it is so much more difficult than I expected. It is so frustrating to not be able to do things that I enjoyed doing before.. mowing my lawn (it is about 2 feet high), cooking and being able to clean up afterwards, spending a full day doing a thorough house cleaning. Simple things really that I now have to do in 15-30 minute bursts. And I totally suck at math now.. even with a calculator.. apparently my brain process things differently and makes my fingers transpose things.. I imagine it is what it is like to be dyslexic.

I had started over at Shands Medical Fitness but after the triple header weddings I had to take a break as I could barely stand up straight. I am looking forward to getting back to some type of program to help with my strength, it was helping, but it also took about a 3 hour chunk out of my day do to location from my house.

July is normally a quiet month for my industry, so apart from one event in a couple of weeks and a bust day on August 4 things are pretty quiet.

Biggest news is I was given the gift of a new member for my family. Bella now has a new little brother named Raffaello (means healed by God in Italian) and we call him Ralphie. He is biologically her uncle as his parents are Bella's grandparents. Many thanks to Doreen for this wonderful gift. They get along well and Bella is no longer chewing things to death out of boredom.

I had my God daughter and her twin sister spend a few days with me a couple of weeks ago and they seemed to have fun, we were able to go see the movie Brave, swim in the pool and play a fun new game called Dcecapades. It is such a joy to have these two in my life and watch them and their brother and sister grow into such good young adults.

This week has brought some frustrations... car broke down (to the tune of 530 bucks) TV died the next day and wit will be 4 days before I can get a tech. A friend's husband checked it out last night and shortly after they left it came back on so I am just crossing my fingers, but still having tech come out. I am a little worried about the end of the week since it is Friday 13th with the way the beginning has gone. Can't afford anything else to go wrong at this point. Income tax finally made it to me, but it quickly got the medical stuff paid off and what little was left went to the car.

As always thanks for checking on me, I think I will lay low today and not risk anything else breaking! Happy Summer!

Yay.. I made it to 46..

and for that today I am just plain happy to be able to celebrate another year!

Clarification...

I do not want my previous post to sound like a complaint because it is not. It was just an experience that made me think..... So many people make offers but the follow through is sometimes just not there. Example... my very best friend in the whole world (whom I have known since the day she was born and I was about 3) was going to drive over 2 hours on Sunday just to take me to lunch for my birthday. That made me feel better than almost anything this week when I have been feeling very overwhelmed. Unfortunately with my work schedule Friday and Saturday is doubtful I will be in much shape to do much of anything Sunday except recover, but the offer was enough, because she would do it.

Just a reminder that for anyone who has, or is going through this process, it does not end when active treatment does.

Thanks for the check-in and have a great weekend!

Update.....

Ok, so life has been a little crazy lately so I am a bit behind. Been trying to keep on top of work things, but the way my brain works these days makes this a challenge. It takes me so much longer to do basic paperwork and it still seems filled with mistakes sometimes. I have 6 weddings this month, but they are stacked up on 3 days.. so longer days filled with more work, but not really more pay because they are stacked up. Funny thing is 3 of the brides are named Jessica... with 2 of those this Saturday!

The doctor stuff continues, follow-ups and referrals to try and get this arm and shoulder working right again. Of course everything I am being referred to is not covered by my insurance, so trying to find the money to cover it is stressing me out. Added to that is finding out the IRS deleted my electronically filed income tax return and converted it to a paper return and did not notify me. Been waiting since end of March.. supposedly I can call the end of this week and get an answer (insert eye roll here).

I had to go for an appointment with a pshycologist the other day as part of my disability claim and one of the things he asked me about was my support network. It really made me think about that... while I have had some wonderful support from the people in my life during my treatment and such and I appreciate all of it, it makes me realize that the most of people that would do the most for me live too far away. While the active treatment is over, there is still so much to deal with. Quite frankly Cancer sucks....and it doesn't end after the treatment is over.

Thanks as always for checking on me.

Howdy..

Sorry I have been a bit slow in posting recently. It has been a very bus y couple of weeks. I will come back tomorrow and update thoroughly, but I am tired and going to go to bed for tonight.

What a weekend...

Ended up being a crazy busy weekend.. luckily I have a pretty calm 3 weeks ahead to catch up and rest.

Going to go to a support group tonight. See if it will help me wrap my head around some of this mental stuff. Saw my general practitioner today and he agrees it is a good idea. I also have some physical stuff going on, which we are going to try and work through.

Tomorrow I see the oncologist for some end of treatment follow-ups so I will update more soon.

I saw this today....

"I tell people that I learned more about life, love, and beauty from losing my breasts than I ever did by having them." 

 and it made me think.

I will admit that I have had a rough week or 2. I think I have tried to hard to be "normal" again and the fact is, I am not. Sure I have hair and can make jokes about having only one breast, but the fact of the matter is.. it sucks. I have what amounts to a crew cut none of my clothes fit properly and some days I can not lift my arm. 

 I can not get completely dressed by myself anymore, I need help with my sleeve and  for now a bra on those days when I need to wear a prosthetic and since my night garment had to go back for adjustments I am back to having to have mom come over and wrap my arm every night before bed, which means my productivity stops at 9 pm again. 

For someone who has been fiercely independent for 25+ years, this is difficult. 

My Mom related part of a conversation she and my Dad had and he said it best "She has had a life changing experience and she needs to adjust to that.

So Monday evening I will be heading out to my first support group meeting. I hope it helps.. something needs to.

Thanks for checking in on me, sorry I have not been posting more regularly but I have been trying to figure things out.

Who knew....

post treatment care would be more difficult that the actual treatment?

I am so far past frustrated right now it is crazy. I try to do some work and maybe get back to some sense of normal and it sets me back three days, which keeps me from being productive and working and having an income.

In addition to all of the things I had to buy for my arm (almost $1100) I now need to get a particular kind of mastectomy bra that is also not covered.. to the tune of almost $100 and that is just for 1...so I guess I will have to was it every night?

I am more frustrated and feel more run down than I did during chemo..... I really miss my old independent life. I just want to be able to get up in the morning, do my job and have some sense of normalcy.......sigh.

Sigh........

some days I wonder if maybe I should have just curled up in that back 9 months ago and shut the world out. Maybe it would have been easier to not try and keep working and having some sense of normal through all of this. I know I am not that kind of person, but I wonder if it would have made people realize I really am sick. Maybe I should have bitched and complained more about it but there are so many people worse off than I am that I just could not do that.
I have been having a really crummy week. Underlying migraine since Saturday and it just wont go away.... and stuff to do every day. I know the world does not revolve around me or any other single person, I wish others would realize that as well.
Off to work... thanks for checking in and don't worry, I will be dancing again soon.

and then I danced!

Saturday night I had a charity function for work. It was my first "night out" in a very long time. I was able to wear my prosthetic for the first time in ten weeks (only the foam one) and while it was not completely comfortable, it was not completely uncomfortable either. I did not have a ton of responsibility at the event. It was one of the other coordinators function, but she had asked me to help with some small decor items and other support tasks. We all have to be present at the event, but my main function was really just to make the rounds and shmooze a bit. It was so great to see people that I had not seen in far too long. An old work buddy, a friend who is getting married this summer and I am helping a bit with her wedding and 4 local vendors that I get to work with quite often who donated some items to us for use at the event.

They had a great band and then I could not take it any more.. I danced.. and it felt great (although I do have bleeding blisters on one foot it was worth it)!

I am in the early stages of planning a small celebration, most likely end of May or mid-June.Will keep you posted.

Insomnia stinks

I have tried it all.. Tylenol PM, Benedryl, etc.... it does not matter how tired  I am I can not seem to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. I have been trying to get back to some normalcy, but I am afraid I may be pushing a little too hard. I am now off all prescription pain meds and have had about 10 days off of PT to allow my skin to heal. The skin is doing well, but I am getting this rolling pain under my scar that is pretty uncomfortable. I have a call into the PT office for advice, so hopefully they can help.

Tomorrow and Saturday I am helping with some set-up for a large charity function that the company I work for is involved in, but it is not an event I oversee I am just helping out.

Thanks for checking in!

And it strikes again..

I could not fall asleep tonight so I got up and found myself in front of the computer checking email, revising a contract from a weekend meeting and checking facebook. A friend of mine has posted that his mother is having surgery for breast cancer tomorrow morning.

So for all of the support you have all given me these past few months, could I trouble you to take a moment and send some prayers out for Wayne and his Mom Betty and his family..he has two small boys that need their Grandma to stick around!

Thanks in advance!

There are theories on friendships.....

I found the below and think it is so accurate.....in the past couple of weeks I have made a new friend, a very nice lady who I met on a cancer website, my age, also single, recently diagnosed and on the day we met to have lunch she came from a post-op and was told she had to have a second lumpectomy two days later... my immediate response was to offer to take her, which I did and it was successful and she can continue with her treatment. I have also reunited with an old friend of 30+ years, with who I had a falling out with a few years ago, we also had lunch and caught up on the past few years. Two examples of the below. 

Many of us are fortunate enough to have friends who are a consistent part of our lives throughout all our ups and downs. However, sometimes others we consider friends  appear to enter, then depart from our lives for reasons we try to, but don't always, understand. This piece nicely explains the flow of people in and out of our lives.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

In other news.. I am happy to have my radiation treatments behind me and continue healing. I was able to do some things around the house today, but I will admit to pushing myself a little and being very tired and having a bit of a swollen arm tonight. But it is a minor blip and I am looking forward to getting this shoulder in shape with my physical therapy and trying to get some sense of normal back in my life.

One more......

treatment on Monday and it looks like I will be officially finished with active treatment. This week they have been doing what is called scar boost. This is when they radiate only my scar....this is also when all of my skin from the other areas of my radiation breaks down, they tell me this can continue for 6-8 weeks.... I am hoping I can rally a bit quicker than that.

The temperature of my body is so high and it seems to intensify at night...I just can not seem to get the house cool enough for comfort when I sleep. I shock the poor dog every time I touch her and the static cling in my body is almost funny.... note the almost!

I will have to take 2 weeks off of my physical therapy due to the skin breaking down, there is not too much they can do without damaging it further. Then I will resume working on getting this arm moving and the nerve damage in my shoulder straightened out too.

I appreciate the messages, emails and texts from those of you who have sent them.. I also know that many of you are keeping the positive thoughts and prayers coming my way too and I thank you all for those too. It has been a hell of a journey and while it is not over quite yet, it hopefully will get a little easier soon.

Happy Easter all!

This stinks....

I have never been so uncomfortable in my life. The burning, stinging and itching make it difficult to do most things. The doctors solution is to take the pain meds, but if I did that all day everyday it would make it kind of difficult to function, which I still need to do on some level.

I am trying to take it easy this week but it doe snot seem to be working out that way. I am not sure how much clearer I need to be than "I need a few days break to get through this last week." Can everyone read that? I am still typing in English right?

Anyway.. the end is in sight.. they tell me it will take 6-8 weeks for my body to feel normal again.. although I am not sure what they define as normal. As long as I am lopsided I don't think I will feel normal.. as a matter of fact, I don't think I will ever feel really normal again.

But as always I will end on a positive note.. only 3 more treatments!

Last day

Today is my last official day of overall radiation. After this I have 5 days of "scar boost" which is radiation directly to my scar. I officially have skin breakdown and raw spots at different areas of my body... it is kind of like an intensified sunburn.

I also have a little down time from work, which is a welcome break. I have been pushing and overdoing ant is has caused me to make some stupid mistakes from my brain being overloaded. Nothing earth shattering just not being as thorough as I usually am in my job.

The end is in site!

Yucky times ahead........

So all of the side effects that were supposed to start at the end of week 2, have all of a sudden started at the end of week 4. Blistered skin and extreme fatigue (probably as a result of not sleeping) are taking their toll. Tuesday is the day I see my Doctor and she looked at me today and said.. oh that is going to break open in a couple of days while looking at my collarbone skin.... nice huh?

So aloe, lotion and cold compresses are in my future for the next few weeks.

Poor Bella is apparently having sympathy pains for me as she had to go to the vet today.. she has been itching like crazy (part of my sleep issues) and apparently has some type of skin allergies along with her Mom...so antihistamines for the dog.

What a fun day!

Ok, now I get the fatigue part.....

They told me radiation would fatigue me, now I get that. I had a super busy day Friday and Saturday with my job. While it is nice to be getting back to work, the timing is kind of bad because the tail end of this radiation stuff is tiresome and by Friday I am beat and that is my busy time. But I gotta work, need to get some money made to pay for these lymphedema supplies!

Trying to take it easy today and putter around the house and get it semi-cleaned up. Sweeping and vacuuming are still difficult for me and with Bella that means pug hair everywhere! Good thing she is cute!

As of Monday I have only 2 weeks to go!

Halfway done.....

As of Monday's treatment I am halfway done..... they tell me the easy part is over and the last three weeks will be worse. At least they are honest.

I am still having PT and she tells me that this tightness, especially in my pec, can last up to a year after the end of treatment. I am starting to get the burning in my skin and the scratchy tightness in my throat. In the mornings I sound like a 2 pack an hour smoker and don't have the greatest voice around. Frozen yogurt is my friend and the manager at the Red Mango on Archer Road is so sweet. She will even make me a smoothy before the store opens if I call her. She said there are quite a few people in treatment that come to their store. Thankfully it is all natural so I can have it and they have a good variety of flavors.

My sleeve and glove came in today, the sleeve has to be remade as it was a little too short. I had her go ahead and order the night garment too. I was able to find a couple of different organizations who offer grants to help pay for things like this so I am hoping to be able to offset some of the $1100 it will cost to get all three pieces I need, none of which is covered by insurance. Cross your fingers. So far one place indicated they would cover $250. The night garment will take a couple of weeks, but it will be nice to be able to do it myself and not have to have Mom come over every night to wrap it up.

So until April 9 it is radiation every day and PT 2-3 times a week. Still able to squeeze a little work in between, 3 events in the next 10 days, so at least I will be busy!!!

Thanks for checking in on me.

My Mother.....

is not a perfect human being.. but to me she is the most amazing person on the planet. She has put her life on hold to be there for me any time of the day or night for these past 8 months. My mom has always been the caretaker in our family.. the rock. Many member of my extended family have turned to her at different points in their lives and she and my Dad have always been there for any of them.

We have had several people stay with us at different times throughout the years and nobody has ever been turned away or made to feel not welcome. There have been weddings and other family events held in our home too. The door has always been open and always will be. It makes me sad that some of these relationships have fallen by the wayside in this fast paced world we live in. People have come and people have gone, but certain bonds will always be there.

The best thing about my Mom is she takes the high road and the door is always open to her home and her heart...her selflessness these past few months is such proof of this and there is nothing I can ever do to repay her for the care and love she has given to me. Don't get me wrong.. my Dad has been right there too, but in a different way.... Mom is the one that answers the phone any time day or night...and gets in the car to come help me.... Dad would too but Mom doesn't give hm the chance.

Anyone can be a mother but it takes someone special to be a Mommy and at the age of almost 46 I am glad I can still call mine that. So I ask you to take a moment out of your crazy, busy life and tell the ones in your life that you love them and how important they are to you... and do it in person or make that phone call...not in an email or a text or on Facebook (you can do those too but in person means so much more).

Thanks for letting me put this out there today.....and as always for checking in on me here... off to the daily zapping!

They play this song almost every morning before my zapping

It was released the week I got diagnosed, most days I don't cry when I hear it unlike in the beginning. I am currently in the phase highlighted in pink letters.


She dropped the phone and burst into tears  
The doctor just confirmed her fears  
Her husband held it in and held her tight  
Cancer don't discriminate or care if you're just 38
 With three kids who need you in their lives  
He said, "I know that you're afraid and I am, too But you'll never be alone, I promise you"
 
When you're weak, I'll be strong When you let go, I'll hold on When you need to cry, I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes When you feel lost and scared to death, Like you can't take one more step Just take my hand, together we can do it I'm gonna love you through it.
 
She made it through the surgery fine  
They said they caught it just in time But they had to take more than they planned

 Now it's forced smiles and baggy shirts  

To hide what the cancer took from her  

But she just wants to feel like a woman again  

She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"  

He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"
 
When you're weak, I'll be strong When you let go, I'll hold on When you need to cry, I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes When you feel lost and scared to death, Like you can't take one more step Just take my hand, together we can do it I'm gonna love you through it.
 
And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I'm gonna love you through it.
  I'm gonna love you through it.

Sprung forward

So I remembered to get the clock moved forward, do I get a browine button or something?

Eventful couple of days here... Had to take Bella in for her vaccinations on Friday. Saw a different vet than her usual one and did not really like this one or the tech and the way they handled her. She is a very friendly pooch and was treated like a 50 pound vicious dog. Brought her home and dropped her off and ran back out to pick up some dinner and came home to a dog covered in hives and starting to be a little gaspy. Of course the vet had closed 10 minutes prior, so off to the emergency vet we had to go. The good news is she is fine... the bad news is my bank account (which was starting to recover slightly) took a big hit (there went my sleeve money). But Bella is ok and that is all that matters.

Was able to spend a good part of yesterday catching up on paperwork for my job and will be doing that today too. By the end of the weekend I should be all caught up and feel pretty accomplished.

Then back to the daily zapping and M-W-F physical therapy tomorrow... but I am on the right side of the grass so I will keep going and suck it up.

As always thanks for checking in on me.

So radiation...

... pretty much sucks... sorry to be blunt but there is no way to sugar coat it. I am miserable pretty much. The lymphedema makes me have to have my arm wrapped as much as possible during the day and every night. This involves someone to come do it so thank goodness once again for my wonderful mother. It is pretty much like a cast when completed and makes it really difficult to sleep. This is for about two weeks until my custom sleeve arrives (to the tune of $300 none of which is covered by Medicaid). It also hinders my ability to work, which hinders my ability to make money to pay for it. Ugh....

The nerve damage in my shoulder is also no fun. Right now it is PT 2-3 times a week and radiation daily. The radiation side effects are starting, lots of tightness in my chest wall under the scar and in my pec and the scratchy throat is beginning too.. happy happy joy joy. I just keep telling myself it is temporary (I hope) but it seem that these things are going to take longer for me to heal from than they initially thought.

I did get to take my boy Tim out for his birthday dinner and to see the Harlem Globetrotters (I won some tickets) tonight, but I am afraid that was my last large crowd outing until this stuff is done. I am beat.

Goodnight and as always thanks for checking in on me!

Weelend is over already?

Quick update because typing is now a pain. I have to keep my arm wrapped most of the weekend so that it can be at its smallest (due to the lymphedemia swelling) when it is measured. It kind of sucks as it makes it pretty much immobile as if in a cast. Thanks to Mom and Lydia for keeping me wrapped up this weekend.

Did a bar tending gig Saturday night for a friend. Thankfully I was working with people who are aware of my limitations and had my back (of course I hooked them up with a cash paying gig too!) and helped me get through the night. I think that will be my last non-coordinating gig for awhile. I was wiped out. Did come home with lots of leftover food though! Good thing cause cooking is out with this arm!

Off to bed with me and Bella!

New developments

So at the end of week one of radiation and continued physical therapy on my arm and shoulder it has been determined that I have some nerve damage as a result of my surgery. Apparently this is fairly common and one of those "this could happen" things they warn you about prior to surgery.

The good news is... it can be overcome with continued physical therapy, the bad news is it will take 3-6 months and with my fibromyalgia on top of the healing and radiation effects could take longer.

In other news I was denied for my disability (A shocker I know!) so now I need to find a good disability attorney that is reasonably priced and doesn't want any money unless I win. So if anyone has any referrals please pass them along.

I have finally hit my emotional wall this week.. I have had several breakdowns and am pretty much over it all... I will move past it I know and keep having to remind myself that I have cancer, it does not have me.

To all of my friends that have come to visit, met me for dinner and things like that.... I can not thank you enough for treating me like Denise and not making everything about my illness... you get the update and then move on to other things.. it means so much more than I can ever tell you.You know who you are (I hope) so I am not going to name names.

And to the wonderful people at Main Street Pizza Pie Co. in Alachua.. I can not tell you how much I look forward to me weekly Stromboli (that feeds me three times!) it is the one thing that is consistent in my life food wise along with the laughter and fun that comes with it. It is proof that people come into our lives for a reason and I am so grateful to have all of you in mine and will continue to bring new people in to enjoy your food and hospitality!

Thanks to everyone that keeps checking on me!

Radiation.....week one

So far so good. They say the first two weeks are easy and then the side effects (redness, dry and flaky skin and fatigue) start.

In other news, I had PT on my arm today. Mom and Lydia came with me so they could learn how to wrap my arm and help me get the fluid moving to reduce the swelling until my sleeve comes in.

Cross your fingers it works cause it is not comfortable at all!

Weird day today....

I guess along with the rain today my emotions decided to be weepy today as well. I woke up emotional and it never got better. Found out at my PT appointment hat my arm is slightly swollen, which means the lymphedema has begun. Everyone said it would happen given that all of my lymph nodes are gone. The good thing is it is mainly the upper part of my arm from elbow to shoulder. The bad thing is that now I have to get a custom sleeve made tot he tune of $150, which will not be covered by my insurance. Just when I think I am getting a little ahead something else hits.

I guess overall the simulation went well, was there about an hour, they took lots of starting x-rays and drew all over my chest, so I look like a toddler got a hold of me with a sharpie box.

I just wish I could get some sleep...I would say that is my biggest daily hurdle. So tomorrow the daily trips begin!

Thanks for checking on me.

Night before jitters.....

Thank goodness I had a huge wedding yesterday to keep me occupied. It is funny how my events and weddings have fallen at times when I was able to do them and really only had one conflict and even that one worked out.

Tomorrow is my radiation simulation and Pt in the morning with a 2 hour break in between. I am anxious, but kind of glad I get a practice run so I know what to expect on Tuesday when they zap me for real.

So I will update tomorrow when I know more!

oops almost forgot something...

to those of you who have been calling me to go out to dinner and just help me get out of the house.. that is more helpful than I can tell you too! I am still having appetite and taste issues so being able to go out and pick something off of a menu and not having to think about what to cook is the best!

And I am so looking forward to a visit from my friend Bethany tomorrow.. one more sleep!

Bella is excited too!

Treatment planning

Yesterday I went in for a treatment planning appointment at the radiation oncology office. I wish I had known what was going to be involved in that appointment so I was better prepared. I left not only physically tired but emotionally drained. However the upside is now I have it behind me and a start date for radiation and that means a finish date too!

I was drawn on. painted on, poked and prodded at and scanned from neck to waist. I had to lay in a bean bag like tray for about 30 minutes while they positioned and moved me around so they can make my plan for radiation. The ironic thing about all of this is that they are sending me to physical therapy because my arm is not as flexible as it needs to be and due to my referral getting lost for a week I am behind on that getting started, however for the appointment yesterday I had to lay with my arm over my head the whole time I was in the tray... to say this was uncomfortable is an understatement. But my stubborn self just did it since I was there. I hated to waste the trip and time.. I just want it over.

Lydia had been over to give me therapy for my fibromyagia in the morning and everything she did was undone by this appointment and while I was at my appointment she stayed at my house and did a TON of cleaning that I have been unable to do because of my limitations from my arm. I currently have the cleanest oven and toilet in town! I can not find a way to express how appreciative I am of all of my friends who know me well enough to know that I just won't ask for some things.

So February 27 is my radiation simulation and then the real things starts the next day. Six weeks of Mon-Fri treatments and then hopefully I can work on getting back to some type of normalcy.

Thanks for checking in on me!

Cacthing up..

Sorry to have not been keeping up but it has been a little bit of a busy week. I FINALLY got in to see the Physical Therapist yesterday after my paperwork sitting on someone's desk for over a week without being processed. Needless to say my arm has done nothing but get tighter and tighter, but the PT was super nice and thinks that a couple of weeks of PT and some home exercises should get me loosened up pretty quickly. Although I can not say it wasn't painful, it was in a good stretchy kind of painful way.

It has also been recommended to me that I get a compression sleeve, which I have to be measured for. Of course there is only one place here in town that I can do that through and I had a bad experience with them when I was in my hair loss stage. I figured I would give them another try and call and see what I need to do to get measured...strike 2 on second attempt at giving them my business. I find it a little sad that in the community we have full of all of these great medical resources I am limited to one place to get what I need and they are less than helpful. I guess they know they are the only game in town so they can be however they want.

Went to work last night to help out with our first night of service in our "new" restaurant. We had a Valentine's Buffet and it was very well received by the residents. People lingered and visited and it was great to be back. We are working on fixing some things up around the club too. Tired and sore today, but it was worth it just to be able to be doing some work again.

Thanks for checking in, more to come after treatment planning appointment on Friday.

news of the day

I am beyond happy to share some fabulous news today..... NO MORE CHEMO!!!!!!!!! So it looks like after my upcoming radiation treatments I will be DONE with my treatment... and the hair can keep on growing!!!! Woo Hoo today is a good day!

Sigh.........

A heck of a day....

Lydia made it this morning and made my arm feel so much better. Then I was off to check on Lauri.. delivered some Mill muffins to Lauri, her sister-in-laws and some friends that were all there waiting. Her MIL came thru in great shape and was scheduled to be able to go home today too!!! YEAH!!!

Then off to see the radiation oncologist.. not so good news, although my arm is doing well not well enough to move forward with my tray, so I am now looking at 2 weeks of physical therapy then a tray fitting and another week before radiation can begin, so now I am pushed back another 3 weeks. Not what I was hoping for.

I then went down to the stadium to visit some folks from my old job and give my Dad a birthday hug as he was setting up for a charity function we will be attending tomorrow evening. While it was great to see everyone I have been very melancholy since leaving and I am not sure I know why.

This evening I was able to go see my twins play basketball... lets just say I am one proud Godmother! They are having fun AND playing well, what could be better?

So I am now home and I am hoping to get some sleep tonight. It has not been coming easy and I will admit to being pretty wiped out.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Funny how things happen

So tomorrow is kind of an interesting day by the looks of it.

My dear friend Lauri (who took me to most of my chemo) will be spending most of the day at the hospital sitting where my parents did 4 weeks ago while her mother-in-law has a mastectomy. I hate that her family has to go through this and can only hope that the time she spent with me at those appointments prove to be helpful in the coming weeks. I am praying hard tonight that the nodes to do not glow from the dye and she only has to have the mastectomy. Please say a prayer and send some positive energy their way if you have some to spare.

Another friend of mine is dealing with her father having biopsies today on two masses, they will have to wait a week for results, he too has been back and forth with this nasty disease in the past few years. So at the risk of sounding greedy, please send some good vibes to them too.

Tomorrow morning I will start the day with a visit from the amazingly talented Lydia for some massage work on my right arm, it is not really as functional as I was hoping it would be and then I am off to an appointment with my radiation oncologist to hopefully have the tray made for my radiation. I have to be able to lift this arm to a certain height for this to be done...hopefully the magic fingers will do the trick!

I am hoping to stop by the hospital for a check on Lauri and her family on my way and maybe to deliver some lunch or something too.

Quick post before dashing out

my "foobie" came today! This is what they call the prosthetic insert. fake+boobie. Two kinds a lightweight foam on and a silicone more natural one. This is the first time I have looked even in a month! Have a couple of meetings today so we shall see how I do.

Whew!

Ok,so maybe scooping soup for 1.5 hours was a bad idea when you have a healing incision that goes a quarter of the way around your body... BUT.. it was so nice to be out and se so many people who have been so amazing to myself anf my family these past few months. Came home and a pain pill and a nap took care of most of it... and a quick back rub from my wonderful mother too!

And yesterday my wonderful friend Lydia came over and spent the whole day helping me sort and organize and purge my office ... so two small trash bags and one large plastic bin of recycle paper later it is almost done....these are the type of friends I am extra thankful for!

Today I was able to give hugs to and say thank you face to face to so many people that I have been wanting to for far too long. It was mostly work and I am looking for ward to the Catholic Charities Gala next Saturday when I can just visit.

Souper Fun Sunday was again a great success and I look forward to next year. I guess those calls and visits that I keep hearing about that don't happen are a good thing in a way, cause it was a busy weekend! I really do not mind when people don't call or visit... it is when they tell me they are going to do so and don't :(

Short update

I saw my surgeon on Tuesday and the remaining stitches were removed. Shoulder movement is doing ok, the fibro limitations are there but the healing from the actual surgery is looking great according to him.

Took myself to see my GP Wednesday. Had a pesky mole removed from the side of my head. Lauri is very happy that her comb will not nick it when my hair returns. I also am struggling with a sore throat and stuffy nose, which makes sleeping even more difficult.

Driving is still not the easiest thing for me to do, but as long as I stay in my Alachua/Jonesville/Newberry triangle I can manage. Much farther than that and I get too tired and my shoulder gets a bit stiff.

I am looking forward to a dinner out with a work friend tonight (cold permitting) and a supposed visit from a former work friend on Friday along with a work meeting in the afternoon and Souper Fun Sunday this weekend. My boss has a couple of soups submitted so it will be a work function for a good cause.

I have a couple of work meetings set-up next week for some upcoming weddings, my clients have been so understanding these past couple of months and I am looking forward to trying to resume some type of normalish activity. Wish me luck!

New shoulder please

So yesterday I drove about 10 mile to Tim's basketball game. The driving was not a problem. However, sitting in bleachers for almost 2 hours (30 of those waiting for the other team to show) apparently kept me in a weird position and my arm and shoulder are now very stiff.

Had a really bad night last night as a result. Today I am trying to get some work stuff done and a little bit of household duties. I am hoping I can get some of this stuff off of my Mom. I hate how much my independence has been restricted. The things I can not do for myself are very frustrating, which I think it the worst part of all of this.

Tomorrow I am going to oversee the set-up of a small work function and then breakfast/brunch with a friends afterwards. Hopefully all will go well.

New Poll!

Laurie wants me to do something crazy with my new fuzzy stubble.... thoughts?????

A day out.....

So Mom took me out to do a few things today.... left around 10:30, got home around 2:30 and had to take a nap. Thought I was going to give driving a try today and go to Tim's basketball game as it is close by and not in a big traffic area but I slept much longer than I expected. Baby steps!

Yay!

Just reinforcement that my best friends live far away. Getting a visit from Ohio in a couple of weeks! Yay!!!!

1/3 of stitches ....

are gone... the rest should come out next week. I have been given the ok to try and drive a little bit. I will give it a try and see how it goes before I get all crazy.

Wonderful weekend

I am tired in such a wonderful way. My best friend since age 3 came and spent the weekend with me and it reinforced something that has been bothering me these past couple of weeks.... the people who are true friends are the ones that live the farthest away. I am not trying to sound like I do not have friends locally, I do and a couple of them are amazing. But it makes me sad, hurt and kind of mad that I get all kinds of promises to come and visit me, bring me dinner, etc after my surgery and for the past week and a half I have sat here bored to tears. I have had a couple of visitors and that has been great and I do not expect people to drop everything to come amuse me, I know everyone has bust lives, but don't make statements like that if you are not going to follow through on them. It is quite annoying.

In other news I am healing up quite nicely from what I can tell. The weirdest thing is the way my chest is tightening up. Going from having a large breast to having nothing is quite a different feeling as the sensations return to my right arm, chest and back. Sometimes it is like bugs crawling, sometimes it is like pins sticking... it is always weird.

I am getting some more fuzz every day, it is quite a different texture and color than my former thick reddish brown (or course we all know the red came from a bottle!). We shall see how it ends up. I still do not regularly wear my wig. Only for work functions and things like that. It is just too uncomfortable and hot. I have way too may cool hats, scarves and now ear muffs to need fake hair!

Stitches out on Tuesday and if I get the clear to drive... LOOK OUT Gainesville!!!!

Thanks everyone!

Friday the 13th..

I guess I have been quiet for too long. Healing is happening, the problem is my fibro. Due to the limited use allowed of my right arm because of the location of my incision and stitches my shoulder and bicep are locking up. And since I can not lay on my stomach therapy is difficult. Sleeping involves pain meds still as it is difficult for me to be comfortable. My tailbone hurts quite a bit due to the previously mentioned trying to get comfortable.

Everything else is just the waiting part. I am getting a bit frustrated by not being able to do certain things. If something falls on the floor it has to wait for Mom to come over and pick it up. I do use a pair of tongs sometimes depending on the item.

Bella is being pretty good with me. She sniffs at my incision but does not get on that side of me, which is surprising because that is where she used to lay. She slept on the right side last night but only pinned down my arm and did not touch my chest at all. She is such a good girl.

The other battle is boredom.... I have some attention span issues so it keeps me from being able to get too involved in too much. I try and read but it puts me to sleep same thing with movies. I did get some work done this week and actually have an event next Sunday, which if I am able to drive I am going to at least oversee set-up of.

My hair is coming back in, makes me look sicker than when I didn't have any. It is wispy and brown and a whitish gray, we shall see what happens.

Thanks for checking in on me!

Bella is

Home and life is feeling more normalize,

I miss my dog.....

Bella has been staying with Lydia since the night before my surgery and I have learned that that crazy little mutt is what makes my house a home. I miss her sleeping with me and I miss her having be touching me at all times.

I know it is best for me to have her not be here but I hope she can come home soon. Maybe tomorrow these damn drains will come out and I can consider it.

I know she is playing and having a good time with Diddley, but I hope she is excited to see me when she comes home.

Summary..

So I finally made it into my desk and was able to sit at my real computer to type something more than a brief update.

Before I left the hospital on Friday my surgeon came by with my pathology results. They took 31 lymph nodes from under my arm and there was one tumor in the mix. This means I most likely have to have more chemo after my radiation is completed. He will visit with my surgeon and they will decide.

Not real happy about this news, but as always I am trying to look on the bright side and will say.. at least it was only one. Did that sound positive?

Today has been a tough day for me, not really physically but emotionally. Nothing prepares you for these feelings.. nothing... it just plain sucks and there is no other way for me to put it.

So with that said.. I will be signing off and heading back to watch the Broncos and Timmy play.

Thanks,
D

Whew.....

Well, it is over! Hopefully this is the worst part. I am doing pretty well today, the pain is better have not had any meds this morning yet.

The boredom and not being able to do simple things for myself is difficult for me. My mom has been amazing, waiting on me hand and foot.

Thanks as always for checking in on me.

D

45 minutes and counting

until the folks pick me up. Been up since 4am, slept for maybe 4 hours before that.

Was so weird to have the bed to myself without my pooch.. I miss my baby Bella for sure.

Thanks everyone for the messages, calls, texts, prayers and general support. The biggest step is almost over.

Love you all,
D

Told ya, I would be back here tonight.....

Rented The Hangover 2, it is on in the other room but I am not watching it. I thought the firs tone was dumb and I think the same of this one.

My friend Lydia gave me some massage therapy on my shoulder and the rest of me today, it was painful but helped. Bella has gone to stay with her and her daughter Aurora and their dog Diddly for a few days. I have gotten a lot done without here here but I sure do miss her. I think it will make it even more difficult to sleep tonight without her.

Thanks for all of the calls and texts tonight. I appreciate them all, I have a mass text set-up to go out tomorrow to those who have requested and will send a follow-up once I am settled in a room.

Going to go make the bed and try and get some sleep. Good night all.......

Alternate site...

I was asked to set up a Caring Bridge page, to keep up with me over the next few days this will be the place to do so. Thanks!

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/denisehenault

Duh..Duh..Duh....

Day before, will be a busy day. Going to the game yesterday was probably a really bad idea... legs and shoulders are a little more sore than usual, but a therapy appointment later today will hopefully help that.

Lunesta help me get a decent night sleep for a change, but I am sure the fact that I barely slept the night before helped it along. Up early to try and get all the day before tasks done. Off to the Dr. for pre-op in a little while and breakfast with one of the best friends ever.. Lauri! A couple of small errands, home for chair delivery and therapy.

Will probably check back in later with some "I can't sleep" babble!

Ugh...

Spending New Year's Eve and Day by myself was not a good thing. Too much time to think about what is ahead. These holidays faliing on the the weekend have limited me getting some things done due to things being closed. So Tuesday will be full pre-op appt. Lift recliner rental delivery, laundry, packing, therapy and getting all the bills paid, because of course the bank has been closed and will be again tomorrow.

There is just so much to do and then what is happening on Wednesday reachesup and smacks me on the head. There is just no way to accept it, I know it is what I have to do to survive, but it does not make it any less scary, overwhelming and just plain sucky.

I really am a glass half full kind of person but I think I deserve a littlepity party now and then.

On that note I will say good night and once again..happy new year.

Happy New Year!

I wish all of you a wonderful 2012.. full of happiness and health!